Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
