Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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