i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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