walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
