Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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