wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
