every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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