help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
