So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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