is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
