he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She's not a foreskin expert like you
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
