Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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