Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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