dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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