You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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