He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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