Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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