I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
