"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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