grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
