I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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