My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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