Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
