I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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