Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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