She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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