It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize