dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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