You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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