so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
whose parrot is this?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
