LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
