oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
