I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
