I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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