New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
