I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
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