He uses pillows to masturbate.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
