Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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