Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
