My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
