So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
