i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
