My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize