How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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