Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
