I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
