he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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