Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just gargled with NyQuil
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
