You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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