Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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