plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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