wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
