I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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