Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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