: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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