Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
