lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
