I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
