you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Randomize
