Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
