I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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