are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
